Quintin was my brother-in-law and in the last time I saw him, he was so loving, laughing and joking around. After Doug's death, I think Quintin tried to bring his family closer to him, he cherished them more. It was hard on him, harder than people realized and I think it made him just want to hang on to the people he had left that loved him. He was such a sweet man and yes, handsome as can be! I sure do miss him and his smile. He ws truly blessed with people that loved and cherished him.
I wrote to a person near and dear to me about you today. This person is batteling the same issues as you did, this I am watching up close and personal, and it is enough to overwhelm even the strongest of character, and torture the faint of heart. I said to imagine what it would be like to leave your friends and family behind, grieving you after you were gone, like yours do you. To have children grow into adults without you, experience the most monumental events of life without the presence of the missing parent, to leave those you love to pick up the peices and move on after someone leaves them like this. I wanted them to feel some of the hurt and pain expressed on here in hopes that it might clarify things and put them in perspective. They replied to me even upon reading, that no one cared any way now after all the damage they had done, nor would they after they were gone, implying that their fate would be the same. They felt they meant nothing to any one because they cared so little for themselves. This person had fulfilled alot of their dreams, and had made a good life for themselves, but on the brink of loosing it all, they showed little concern for the potential loss of it all, while we all watch in vain helpless to stop the impending doom and waiting for the colatoral damage to accumulate. I told them they were wrong, and I sent them all that was on here so they could see how it does effect people, those that they may not even consider not to metnion those that loved them dearly perhaps without saying so, or not given the opportunity to say so, day by day, even after they are gone, they leave confusion, a trial of tears, unrealized dreams, lost wishes, and broken hearts behind. They said not to judge till I walked a mile in their shoes, and I do not. Ive seen dark places in my life, and have known impending seemingly overwhelming saddness, but I do not prentend to fully understand this disapointment in life not the magnetic pull that leaves one helpless to fight, only to understand and aknowledge fully that it is a disease, like a festering cancer, left untreated, it will eat you up, and eventually consume you. I see the pain that it causes those who use and those that are effected by the it, and I feel the pain that is left when someone you love leaves you forever, before their time, before their life has been fully lived. There are no words to express the sadness of your loss, nothing to console those left behind, other than what my mom told me. She said that knowing what you knew, knowing your mom and her faith, and the promise of the here after that was instilled in you, that you are in a better place now, and have left the daily struggles of this life behind. No one knows the hour of their meeting with destiny. God gave you to us for just a season, and a purpose that we may not fully understand with our limited understanding. I hope that through you, someone who knew you might be saved, and perhaps with faith, prayer and miracles, this chain of dispare might be broken, if not for all, then perhaps for one. Your friend who posted on here has miraculasly turned his life around, in no little part by your influence, I hope that others can also. I believe. I hope.
Last Edit: May 19, 2006 21:35:23 GMT -5 by kfergie
Words sent to me from a friend in England, borrowed from a well known author. Its universal in concept, encouragement in prose, and a challage to any.. I have it on my desk at work. Today when I read it, I thought to pass it along to your son......
If you can keep your head when all about you are loosing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowances for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or, behing hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream- and not make dreams your master; If you can think- and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with triumph and disaster, And treat those two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch - and toss, And loose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except whe Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings- nor loose the common touch; If neither foe nor loving friend can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run- Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And- which is more-you'll be a Man my son
Thinking of you again, not uncommon recently. Contemplating a journey home, but anticipating the pain knowing you will not be there is somewhat of a deterant to those plans. Someone expressed to me today what I have been failing to put into words. That sometimes our imagination mixed with memories can create a story perhaps was never to be. Had the dreams been fullfilled, had the questions been answered and the unknown realized, it may or may not have been what we wanted or what was best. The certainty and knowledge that it will never be, something we will never have, can play tricks on our minds and make us want it all the more. Something so simple as another ending to an unfinished story. In my mind, you would always be there, near or far, but ok and happy. While I understand that, it doesnt change the fact that my friend is gone forever, and I never got to say goodbye. What ever one believes in fate, destiniy and religion, it doesnt take away from human emotion, and the loss of someone so unexpectidly. This happens to people every day all around the world, especially during these trying times, and they must grieve and process and in time move on, but the memory doesnt fade, the pain may subside in time, but you wont leave me yet. I understand the rational explinations and events leading up to your departure, but Im still not ready to let go either. That will come in time, I will deal with this in my own way as we all do. You will never be forgotten, this is obvious by the lunatic scriblings of a girl from your long ago who is working her way through this process of grief, and trying to let go.
Last Edit: May 22, 2006 13:03:44 GMT -5 by kfergie
Made it back for a visit. Just as I suspected, not quite the same without you there. Got to visit your family, they are all still grieving you so. Your picture on the wall caught me off guard and I think I stopped speaking mid sentance. Went for many reasons, trying to get some closure, I dont know if it helped or not, hearing all different things from different people makes you just draw your own conclusions. I know that things were really difficult for you there at the end. I cant stop wishing you would have called, but wishing is all I can do now.
Glad I came to say good bye. Picutures of Pictures and memories of memories are all thats left for me and the agonizing question of why. Thinking of all those crossroads and how history played out. Theres a movie called sliding doors, I think of it and the idea behind it that we never know what the outcome will be, how different our lives would turn out, if we could have changed any one thing in our past, done any thing differently. I know in reality there is nothing any one could have done to make this end another way, but it doesnt keep one from wishing just the same. Not knowing the last time I spoke to you would be the last time, not knowing I would never see you again. Unwritten chapters to unfinished books, pages in my mind lost with no words, a remarkable print in my history, a cruel and painfull ink, your memory a permanent tatoo on my heart, never to be removed, never fading.
I have been reading these and I would just like to say that Scotty and Vicki I am sorry for your loss as well as my own and my Girls Laura and Sierra I know you miss your dad as well as my girls miss him. I also know that Vicki misses him but I do also. Quintin and I had seperated and got back together several times but the fact that I loved him does not change I still do love him he will always have a special place in my heart and my girls will always love him
Thought I would drop a line. The rational says that I need to invest in a diary.. knowing you will never see this.. but the emotional says its theraputic to put your feelings out there, if not for you, then the universe, a sort of release. I like the concept of sharing, and it does bring strangers together, who knew and loved you, who would have never communicated if not for this. It has worked that way for me, and for that I am greatfull. I was so sad to hear about your grandmother. I know how much you loved her, how much she meant to you. The last time I saw her, she still cried for you as if your passing was just yesterday. You were a son to her. I hope that you are together at last, that is my prayer, and that her tears are no more. I thought of you the other day, someone said "Shiek".. remember how that was the nickname for every one back in the day? I am glad to see more postings on here, I know that you still live on in the lives of your children, and their mothers. Would that you could have realized your worth. My friend that I wrote on here about before is still going through it. They have tried to end their life, but for the Grace of God they are still with us. I swear sometimes you wisper words of encouragement to me like you used to do, not to give up, to keep on them, not to let them go. Im sure its just my imagination, but I like to belive that its you in some form, staying with us, still trying to lift the spirits of others.. You are missed more than you will ever know..... still.
I learned of Vernons passing, I thought of you. Their heartache is no more. I hope that you are with your family again, and that you are all at peace. I can't believe that you are all gone from here. That place will not be the same with all of you gone.
Thought about you today and it makes me think of all the good times we had together and the girls are reminding me so much of you. It has been almost three years and it still is so hard I just keep thinking it will get easier and one day I really hope it does. I love and miss you so much and so do the girls.
Your birthday passed and it made me think of how much i missed you and the girls talk about and miss you as well. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts each and every day. love you always.
Post by winterblue on May 15, 2008 10:02:33 GMT -5
It has been a long time since I have wrote to you but Scotty just went to his Senior Prom and I wish you could have seen him. He has turned into a wonderful young man and I know in my heart that is what you wanted for him. You would be very proud! I know he still misses you and I am sure he wishes he had got to spend more time with you but he always knew you loved him. He got to see his little sisters and it meant alot to him. He has a picture with them and they are so beautiful. I wish you could have stayed longer and seen them all grow up but sometimes it isn't meant to happen that way. As I read the letter you left behind I could feel the pain and the regrets that your were feeling and I wish you had found that peace of mind that you so desperately needed. Scotty is just like looking at you. He walks like you and talks like you. He is your image and he carries you in his heart as I am sure everyone else that knew and loved you does. I hope you can watch over Scotty as he graduates from High School here in a few days. I hope when people read these messages they can see that your life had such great meaning for so many people. I am so thankful that God allowed us to be a big part of each others lives for so long. Vickie
Q, Long time since Ive been on here. I think about you all the time. My friend that I mentioned a long time ago has made it through rehab and is slowly regaining their life. So much was lost in the process, however with the right help, they are a totally different person now. I hardly recognize them now that they are out. Hope has been regained, sobriety has been accomplished, and demonds have been laid to rest. It is as if I have the person back who left me before the disease took control. I am almost afriad to believe its real, such a metamorphasis in personality, such a change in demeanor. But it is real. They are recovering. They are almost like their old self now. The place of hope in Tennessee and God cured them, and I will forever be greatfull for the funeral that I did not have to attend. I just came back from a trip to washington DC to burry a very dear friend of mine who I watched drink himself to death. There were other causes, however, his addiction to alcohol did not help in his early unexpected demise at the age of 30. His family was devistated, they had not seen him for such a long time. He was my close friend, loved me unconditionaly and took care of me as I took care of him. I keep thinking I could have saved him, but I know his fate was not in my hands. You will never age in my heart, you will never grow old. You remain the young man you were the last time I saw you forever in my mind. So many people loved you. You adored your children, as I am sure they adore and miss you. Your young son has grown into a young man. Your daughters are growing into young ladies. I know that you are watching over them and taking care of them from afar. Still miss you. Still wish you were here. Still cant believe your gone.. As the rest of your remaining family does so much so, I do wish you were still here. I know you are at peace in a better place now, and that helps in letting you go.
Thought about you today and I miss you so much. I wish you could see how big your daughter are they are turning into such little ladies and I know you would be proud. They are doing so good in school and the baby has so many of your traits and when she smiles she makes me think of you I know that your passing is such a heart break for so many and I will always have a place in my heart for you that will always be their. I love and miss you so much.